As editors roam through DAC and other trade shows, they’re always on the lookout for newsworthy stories about technological advances that will enrich the lives of engineers and consumers alike. They’re also trolling for shiny objects, snacks and invitations to swell parties, but that’s fodder for another column. One of the prime vehicles for dissemination of technology information is the time-honored press release. Some releases actually provide the technical details and proven results that editors so desperately seek. Many, however, are pure puffery, containing slightly less information than a pop diva’s lyrics. After minutes of research, the Odd Parity investigative unit discovered such a release. It’s reprinted below.

June 6, 2008 -- Data Blaster Systems, one of Silicon Valley’s most innovative and shamelessly optimistic computer companies, today announced the Mips-Meister 4000, a system that brings oodles of next-generation functionality to the engineer’s workbench. This hardware/ software solution, a veritable dynamic duo of unprecedented performance, is based on a proprietary microprocessor architecture which moves bits around like crazy — which our marketing director says is a really good idea.

"Moving bits around like crazy is a good idea," says Herman Hype, senior VP of marketing at Data Blaster. "Not only does it let us make lots of bar graphs that compare our amazing Mips to the competitors' measly mips, but it lets us use the term ‘functionality’ a lot, which is a word we really like around here. Anyway, we’re all pleased as punch that we can out-perform every other workstation on the market today and deliver this amazing amount of compute power to the engineer's workbench — provided he buys the Mips-Meister Workbench Extender Platform which comes in many handsome designer colors."

The Mips-Meister 4000 was built using the latest in design strategies, including top-down design methodologies, concurrent engineering techniques, totally open standards and a very effective Ouija board.

"We worked out a lot of the design at a very abstract level," says Ned Nerd, Data Blaster's chief of engineering. "In fact, some ideas were so abstract that we had absolutely no idea what to do with a lot of gizmos after we made them, but we used those parts anyway because we spent a lot of time on them, and besides, they were sort of cute."

Ground breaking concurrent engineering techniques were a key element in getting the Mips-Meister out the door on time. "In the past, we used old ‘over the wall’ methods which meant that all the different departments would have disagreements whenever they discovered a design flaw," Nerd chuckles. "But now, with concurrent engineering techniques in place, we get to fight almost every day."

The Mips-Meister's microprocessor posts an impressive PerformanceMark of 101. "My assistant, Mark, got to speculating how fast this baby would run once we got the bugs ironed out," Nerd explains, "and he thought that 101 had a nice ring to it. He also came up with some megahertz numbers, but we've looked high and low and can't seem to find them. We think that Mark's cat, Noodles, might have eaten them."

In addition to blazing speed, the Mips-Meister 4000 features a new OS called Floating Loop Operating System Software (FLOSS). Though FLOSS is incompatible with every other operating system on the market, Data Blaster is convinced that this won't be a problem.

"We're convinced that this won't be a problem," says Data Blaster's Hype. "First of all, FLOSS is oozing with next-generation, robust functionality. Second, we're committed to standards around here and want to be really open. We've just announced plans for the Open FLOSS Foundation (OFF) and we're willing to welcome anyone who wants to adhere to our standards and swear absolute allegiance to our way of doing things."

The basic Mips-Meister 4000 comes complete with a CPU and state-of-the-art cooling fan. Video display, disk drive, keyboard and power supply are available as options. A full set of manuals is included, many of which actually give pertinent information about the system.

The Mips-Meister 4000 will be available in the third quarter of this year. Or maybe it won’t. In any case, Data Blaster will take your money now and will deliver a really swell system to your door as soon as the beta site lawsuits are settled. Prices begin at $75,000. Order now and get the complete works of Boxcar Willy, a set of Ginsu Knives and the amazing Thigh-Master.

By the way, did we mention the system’s unusually fine next-generation functionality?